This week, I read Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge, an wonderful book about recapturing the feminine heart that God created in every woman. Abbey gave it to me back in April, and I was excited to start it, but a few chapters in, I realized that the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with didn't value me or treat me in the ways described in the book, and although I desperately wanted to be considering captivating by who I thought was the love of my life, I knew I wasn't and couldn't bear to keep reading and feel even more disappointed. Disgustingly sad, but true.
But now I'm in a much better place, and this time, reading the book was an affirming experience. I recommend it and its complement, Wild at Heart. One of the most important lessons learned wasn't explicit in the text, but I realized that I don't have to be "fixed" for things to happen in my life. I think I've been telling myself that I'm "open but not looking" for a new relationship as: a) self-defense mechanism; and b) I didn't think God would allow me to be in another relationship until I was ready, as long as ready meant an awesome Christian woman, all radiant and sparkly and perky. Instead, God will work on His own time. I'm never going to be perfect so there's never going to be a point at which I'm "good enough" to meet someone. People get married as non-Christians, give their lives to Christ, and their relationship grows as a result. They weren't walking with God but found each other in spite of it. I'm growing, learning, stumbling, and repenting, and I will be for the rest of my life. There will never be a "perfect" time, just a right time -- God's time. So I don't need to be afraid of it, but God helps those who help themselves -- I shouldn't be unobservant. "Open," yes, but "not looking" really comes from a place of fear, not a place of trusting God to provide. So now I will honestly trust God to provide me with my soul mate, the man created for me, sooner rather than later. He knows the desires of my heart; He placed them there.
For the past seven years or so, I've thought that my whole life was about God trying to teach me that He is in control, and I am not so I need to let go. But that's not it. My whole life is about God teaching me that we do want the same things, and He is God, and I am not. It's not a control issue; it's a love issue. I shouldn't let go of my need for control because I'm not in control; I should let go because I trust Him.
Exciting stuff, eh? To God, I am captivating, interesting, and irreplaceable. If there are three words to sum up how I felt for the past three years of my former relationship, they are dull, uninteresting, and replaceable. Just because I didn't have a major career goal didn't mean that I didn't have dreams, but my ex didn't seem to understand that. But just because I have a specific job goal in mind didn't mean I didn't want to be someone, that I didn't have incredible dreams for my life. He just wasn't interested in my dreams.
Now I'm free to pursue those dreams, and God wants me to. Still, I want to share my dreams with someone, with The One. So. There we go.
Well, the coming week might be a bit stressful -- my assistant manager is taking a week of vacation so I'm running the place alone. The store will be fine; I just might run myself crazy. I don't know how to relax at work, and sometimes it's that much worse if my mind is full enough for two people.
Other things to look forward to:
- Monday, I'm attending a dessert at the home of the directional leader of The Well. Good way to meet people, but I'm not great at small talk so I'm nervous. Pray for me?
- I think I'm going to start going to Yo-God, a Christian-based yoga class at Sisters Yoga on Tuesday nights.
- Wednesday is the first meeting of the Life Group I signed up for, a post-college-age women's group studying the book of Daniel.
- Tomorrow or next week, I'm planning to get another cat. Giada is getting a little sister, like it or not.
- Hoping to find time and money to go snowboarding again. I didn't make it up last week because I'm nervous about going alone; maybe I'll be able to find a partner.
Playing on the patio:
This is what I do to convince you I'm adorable:
Gimme five. HIGH five!
2 comments:
Aw, Giada left ya hanging :) That's so exciting that she's getting a sister! Will her name still be Duff even if she's female?
She will DEFINITELY be Duff, unless she's old enough to really know the name she's been given. In that case, she'll be Duff in my heart. :)
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